antidote074 (antidote074) wrote,

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Update II

I've been meaning to continue this but I've almost been scared of doing it because I have no idea how it's going to make me feel or how it's going to come out. I've just re-read the previous post and it does cover quite a lot. Definitely still a lot missing but I don't think I could possible cover the entire last 8 years without spending a few days typing. Not something I really fancy doing, as much as I do enjoy this.
Let's just get on with it.

It's hard to write about such a large period of time because everything seems to link into everything else, and it's hard to cover once subject without getting sidetracked and moving onto something else. Verity has been involved for quite a fair amount of time and links into the Nationwide part of life. And I guess in a way links with the break up with Beth.
I met Verity through work. It started with me being on the updates line, her on the completion team. I'd often call her for help with certain cases or to sort out problems. We were just friendly really. I was told it sounded like I was flirting when people might have been listening to my calls (training new starters) but it was all very innocent. Then there was a work Party.
- This is where I have to link it back to Beth again a little. I touched on it briefly before saying how eventually it spurred me on to realise where I was in life, and as such realising that if it was ever going to get better it was all down to me to improve it. This is where I'd started wearing suits to work, I tried to just be more confident in myself and social around people I don't know. I was always very awkward before and that generally puts a lot of people off. I made efforts to go out with people after work for drinks, just general chat and I can say it definitely improved my life and I made a lot more new friends.

So this party was another work event and I was happy to go having quite a few friends. Verity also attended. The night pretty much goes that we both got drunk and ended up sleeping together.
Now I liked Verity and I thought it would be nice to continue seeing each other and that's exactly what we did. This is where the first problem comes in. To me we were always just seeing each other. There was never anything serious, no I love you's or romantic gestures. We just spent a lot of time together and had a good time. This went on for months until she finally started to question 'What is this'. It was always a bit weird from then because I wouldn't ever commit.
We were still good though and it continued on this way. Then Verity had a baby.
I say it like that because that's exactly how it was. There was no signs of any pregnancy whatsoever. We were often going out to loads of different places, drinking, going on rides and a gig or two. But there was a baby growing and on Monday the 21st September 2015 he decided to be born.
I'd stayed over on the Sunday night and was going to get up and go into with Work with Verity like we often did. But that day she'd burst into the room around 10 to 8 screaming in pain and telling me something was wrong. I really wasn't that fussed. She said her stomach and back was hurting and she didn't know what it was. I remember saying that I'd call and ambulance if it was that bad thinking she'd suddenly take it back and say it wasn't bad enough for that, but instead she immediately agreed and I called 999. Eventually paramedics come around and start asking typical medical questions. They asked if she was pregnant and we were both saying there was no way. So they took her into hospital. I remember going into the hospital with her in the ambulance and she was in so much pain. They were pumping morphine into her and she would go between states of screaming to almost passing out. Eventually we get to hospital and a Doctor checks her. Not long after he says 'yeah you're pregnant'. Couple of seconds later came 'and looks like the baby's coming right now'. I'll never forget the look of sheer terror on Verity's face. She looked straight at me with pure terror. I had nothing to say. I was just shocked. I didn't know what I could possible say here. We went into the resuscitation room I think and about 15 minutes later there was a baby. About 10 to 10 in the morning. And I witnessed everything which I really wish I hadn't to be honest. Insane thing to see but definitely not the prettiest.
This was a horrible moment as well because Verity didn't want the baby. Why would she? Put after he was born they placed him ontop of her expecting her to cuddle and cradle it. But she just held her arms away from it and tried not to look at it while she was crying. Eventually they kinda figured it out and took him away.
That's the birth and without going into much more detail Verity eventually decided to keep the baby. Jamie.

The next part is the fact I stayed. Cutting this really short, I just couldn't leave her to deal with this all by herself. I wasn't tied to it at all and I didn't have any responsibility. This wasn't my baby. I'd only been with Verity for about 7 going on 8 months. This was a baby that was over due. Turns out Verity had actually slept with someone called Simon just over 9 months ago. And I mean, it was pretty clear it was Simon's baby.
Simon didn't want anything to do with this at all. In a way I can't blame him. But I still think he's pathetic for that. This is his child, whether he likes it or not and he should realise he has some kind of responsibility to deal with that.
Anyway. Yeah, I stayed. I pretty much told her I'd commit to her and stay with her to be with her through this around a month in. Shortly after I moved in. I was daddy now. All of a sudden I was a family man.
I remember my Dad didn't approve of this. I don't think Mum was exactly keen on it all either but was definitely supportive of whatever decision I was going to make.

I don't want to get into details of mine and Verity's relationship.
This is why I didn't want to write this. I don't know what to write. I can't possibly explain what our relationship was or is like. I've always loved her to bits and she's a fantastic person. But I don't think we've ever been in love at all. It's always felt like it was at the start. We were seeing each other.
But of course this was suddenly so different. We were a family and it quickly turned in to me and Verity being Jamie's parents and nothing else.
The good things we had before where we would go out places and do things were gone. We couldn't do that any more we had a baby to look after.
- I think the best way to go through this is not to go through what happened but talk about how this has affected me.

I had to change a lot which is something I have never really been open to before. I don't like change. I was responsible for a child, and in a way for Verity too. And it's fucking hard having a baby. It's one of the most frustrating things in the entire world. It can drive you crazy, leaving you sleepless, angry and stressed out. This is also at the time I was working towards my low risk mandate at work which in itself was a fucking stressful time.
Again my bonus wasn't really enjoyed when it came around because it was used for me and Verity to move into another flat more suitable for the three of us rather than a top floor flat of a 6 storey building in the town centre. And it was a nice little flat to be honest.
Our relationship got worse and worse and about a year into it I finally left.
This is after tonnes of fights and arguments. Hours spent in silence furious at each other. I really hated my life at some points then. Even remember times I was glad to be going to work to get away from that atmosphere in the flat.
Leaving Verity is a massive part in my life. Biggest one I guess.
I have to make a point that it was the most difficult thing I have ever done because I loved Jamie more than anything in the entire world.
Being a Dad was absolutely amazing and I do miss it quite a lot. It's the most amazing thing to watch a child grow and have that feeling of complete trust and unconditional love. We had an amazing bond and he was easily as much of a Daddy's boy as he was a Mummy's boy.
I was torn apart when I left him.

Back Home again.
So of course I'm back at my parents. There's something so depressing about being there now. It feels like defeat and it's almost like a reminder that whatever my last venture out was, ended up in a massive failure again. I was pretty fucking depressed at this point and found it hard to do anything to be honest. Sleeping was hard, I constantly felt sick and would vomit every now and again. It was impossible to concentrate on anything. I really, really struggled around this time.
I also fell back into this obsession with Beth again. - There was a point half way through my time with Verity that Beth had messaged me quite casually asking about my life. But I was telling her how proud I was of having Jamie so wasn't exactly open for anything. Also after I night of getting drunk and speaking to her friend I found out she was actually interested in getting back together with me. I felt I had this opportunity to claim her back and tried talking to her again. She was already seeing someone new.
Me being me, as fucked up as I was at that point became really desperate and started sending her messages telling her about my love for her and how I'd realised my mistakes and would do anything to get her back again. She blocked me and rightly so.

Time is the greatest healer. I don't think there was anything I can specifically put down to me moving on at this point. I know I started playing the guitar a hell of a lot more and really started getting back into my music in general. But I did just kinda get over it all. I focused on my work a lot and just tried to enjoy my life. I think I had got to the point where I thought I had to have a positive outlook if anything is going to get any better. It did and I was actually enjoying life for a bit. Still sucked living back home, but I had my whole pay check to do whatever I wanted. I was drinking quite a bit at this point. Smoked a shit tonne of weed.
Although I've hated going back to my parents it always has this weird way of healing me.
After the break up with Beth going back home I had started running quite a lot and really loved that. In a way being there it gives me some kind of motivation to pick things up again and fix whatever was broken and get out of this place again.
It still hurt and I did miss Jamie and sometimes Verity, but I was in a good place at this point I think.

- All of the above is very short for everything that really happened. But there are somethings I don't want to write and in all honestly might actually prefer forgetting. A lot of emotions came around during my whole time with Verity. I experienced some massive highs but my lowest lows. I don't want Verity to come out in a bad light either because you couldn't possible put the blame of what happened on once person. We were both responsible but I don't think we could deal with everything being in the situation we were. The whole thing was a shock and I don't think the dust ever really settled. I know it wasn't working and I know I did the right thing by leaving.

We're here.
So now we're coming up to date. There's still about a year to cover but this part is probably the reason I wanted to actually write this. This year has been one of the most interesting ones in my life. I always feel like I reach this certain point that is 'this is who I am now'. But we're always changing and I think this is the guy I've liked the most.
It's been about me really. I got the Risk Underwriter job so got a little pay rise in it too. I was able to afford to get a flat to rent in the town centre. That's where I'm writing this right now.
The two things came hand in hand. It's been a new start with me living alone in a one bedroom flat and this new job that I described before having this whole new level of responsibility. I've grown up. Maybe that's why this guy has been my favourite. He's an adult now and I kind of respect him. I know I haven't suffered like many, many people have in their past. But I also feel like I've been through a fair bit of shit and have had some big life experiences that have shaped me to who I am now. I'm not an idiot but I'm not arrogant. I'm a nice guy. That's something that's stuck with me throughout life and has a lot to do with how my parent's raised me but I think now I'm so independent and reliant on making my own social life it pays off to just be a nice guy and know that people think that about you.
Being alone has made me learn tonnes about social interaction in general. I mentioned I'd started going out with work friends when I'd broken up with Beth but that was more because I was desperate to change myself. I didn't really care what the result was as long as it was different from my current situation. Now I feel fully aware about how the tiniest interactions with some people can have such a huge affect on their opinion of you.
I very recently read a small thing where they described there are thousands versions of you. Everybody has a different opinion and built a different imagine in their own heads of who you are. You've done the same thing because of course you have your own opinion about who you are.
I'm not entirely in agreement with the thing but I completely get what they're getting at. People at work would know a completely different side to me than people who've only ever seen me outside of work. I act very differently, but I'm still the same person.
But I feel like I've got to a point where I do like who I am and I am content with the person reflected by the way I act in public. I can openly admit there are many, many things I could improve in myself but I like who I am. I like my life and I appreciate what I have. I feel like I've made it here through tough work and there are a lot of things I have now that are things I've always wanted.
I have my own space. It feels nice I can invite people back to my place and have them over. I like being alone. There are still times I get a little lonely but that's completely normal being alone a lot of the time. I do what I want when I feel like doing it. If I need to fix something or do something that it's down to me to do it. But if things don't bother me, they don't bother me. I live how I want to.

The main change over the last year goes back to Verity again. - Again I don't want to get into this because it's still on going and I really don't know how I actually feel about it.
I'm seeing Verity again and it's good. But it's good because we're just seeing each other. It's like the start all over again. I get to see Jamie and it's amazing. He's going to be 3 in September and he's growing up into a little boy from the baby I used to play with and spend so much time with. He's amazing too. I still love him to bits but our relationship is that I'm just a friend and that's actually quite nice.
I don't think I could possibly commit and go back into the whole family thing again. But I'm still seeing Verity. So I have to decide whatever it is I'm going to do and make a decision.

There's still more. But I feel like we've pretty much caught up on what's gone on in the last 8 years of my life. And now I want to be able to update this Journal with different thoughts. Other memories I have that still play a big part in who I am now.
I still need to touch on other subjects such as relationships with friends and music.
Work is a constantly changing part of my life.
But for now I'm going to end it. I hope I come back and read this years from now because I know I'm going to forget a lot of it. And I'm glad I've expressed my emotions in this and told you what it was I was feeling back then and what I'm feeling about it all now.

Hope to update soon.


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