antidote074 (antidote074) wrote,


The last time I posted anything here was almost 8 years ago. I feel like I should update this and just give a bit of an overview as to what's happened. I'd like this to be written really well but I'm sure the more I go the more casual it'll get and I won't be surprised if a few typos/spelling errors will find their way in.
I'm just going to try and highlight the main topics and turning points throughout. It's just after reading through all my older entries it's actually been quite nice to remember certain days or feelings I had about things. It's also interesting to see how I change over that period. I think the age of 17/18 was the year I really became who I am today and defined my character, which I think is just about the same time I stopped posting here. So here goes..

6th Form.
I think at the time of the last entry I was still in Oakmead's 6th Form. It was shit. I didn't actually finish the two years I intended on spending there and dropped out not long after the 2nd year started.
- At this point I have to mention something I had always kept out of the 'Journal' previously. I know Ashley, Vicky or even possibly other old friends could potentially read this, but I am an adult and I don't think there would be any overreaction. I'm also sure that Mum already knows. I smoke weed and have done since I was around 14. I've also been smoking cigarettes since 13 years old which I know is a dirty and horrible habit. But I enjoy it and I've taken the stance that I'm not going to stop just because I'm told to. But highlighting the fact I smoke weed is very important as it has been a major part of my life for a very long time. It's not anything to worry about and it's not that my life revolves around it. I enjoy it and although I can admit I do spend a fair amount of money on it I'm also content that it's not a problem in my life and it is manageable whenever it needs to be. - Back to the update.
As I had been attending 6th form I was now receiving the £30 weekly EMA payments, providing I had attended all of my scheduled lessons. This suddenly meant I didn't have to try and scrounge £5 off mum and go halves with someone to smoke anymore. I could buy my own stuff easily and the government were essentially paying for it. All I had to do was go the the classes. I didn't have to try or necessarily do any work though. Soo.. putting the two together you'd end up with me getting high in the free periods then turning up to lessons with no intention of doing anything other than sitting at a computer listening to my music.
I couldn't do this all the time, but made the most of it when I could. I had taken A level biology and BTECs in iMedia and Music. Biology was great but hard. I still do have an interest in human biology but I have to admit I did struggle to take all the information in at the time and when we started the subject of biochemistry I really fell apart in that class. We had taken a mock exam specifically on the topic and I was graded with an F. Human biology was amazing and really interesting. Plant biology along with other topics were also interesting, but it was only really the human body that I was fascinated with. iMedia was crap from day one. I can barely remember much of it now I look back at it all. I remember laughing with Michael a lot but this was the prime lesson to be high in. A lot of the item we were assigned things to do over weeks at a time so each lesson you would come in, log on and get on with your work. So I would come in, log on and listen to music while browsing the internet for an hour or two.
Music was 'Music Technology'. It was this or music theory which really wasn't and still isn't for me. It was okay I guess. I think I just wanted to play music all the time though. It was interesting learning some of the basics of recording and setting up microphones and using a mixer. But there was also a fair amount of coursework which was writing about specific types of microphones and really understanding how they work and why some are better for certain things than others. I couldn't be bothered with that at the time. I actually think if I took that class again now I might enjoy it. But soon enough the lessons that were filled with coursework ended up being just like the iMedia classes.
Taking it all into consideration, struggling with Biology, hating iMedia and not particularly liking or getting on well with music, I decided to drop out.
This actually turned out to be quite a hard thing to do. They told me I couldn't just leave and I had to finish my course. I even explained that I had pretty much stopped attending half my lessons and that when I was attending I still wasn't doing any work. They were still insistent that I finished the year. We were also only 1 or 2 months into the start of the 2nd year at this point. I won't go into too much detail but I do remember one specific thing.
I spoke to mum about it all and she agreed, begrudgingly, that if I didn't want to do it then there was no point trying to force me to do it. We went into the school and spoke to the head of 6th Form and within 5 minutes my Mum had been talked around and was being told I had to attend from 9 - 3 5 days a week in iMedia just to finish a few bits of coursework to be able to achieve the first years qualification that I didn't get and then I could leave.
Mum dropped me off on the Monday morning at 9am. I went across the road and stayed at James' house. I don't ever remember going back for another lesson. I do remember being told they managed to find some old work of mine and it was suddenly enough to get the first year's qualification but I never got it. Didn't bother me as I didn't ever have to go back.

So now I wasn't going to 6th Form anymore and I spent nearly all of my time at James' house. I honestly spent more time there than I did at my parent's and that probably includes the time I spent sleeping. I have to admit that James' house was a huge part of my life. Certainly defined my character a lot.
Before spending all my time here I was spending most of my time with Joe Hawker, Tom Britten and the rest of them. The old band I guess. They're all smart guys and you can have some intelligent conversation with them. Humour is also different because again, they're just a bit smarter. But being at James' I was surrounded by idiots. Friends and mostly good people, but they were just dumb. So I almost had this power at this house. I was essentially 2nd from James. I spent nearly all my time there, so if a 3rd party was to go round James' I'd nearly always be there. And then if anyone ever did try and give me shit or make fun of me, I was genuinely smarter and funnier than them so I could instantly make anyone look like a dickhead in front of everyone else. People then start to recognise me and I end up with a kind of respect. I think I got a bit of confidence here.
- I've just suddenly thought I need to mention Beth. She's already come into my life at this point but she needs her own.. thing.
So now I'm at James' all the time, have some kind of weird respect and authority so even though I didn't have any money coming in apart from a little bit Mum would give me every now and then I had no problem smoking still as James' place was kinda a hot spot. There was a dealer across the road, and another one just around the corner (at this point. Many other local dealers turned up in West Howe surprise surprise.)
Although this was a great time in life, playing games and smoking weed. Laughing with friends, meeting new people and gaining a whole new confidence in myself, I did need to do something to justify leaving 6th Form.
I'm the kind of guy that just refuses to take any kind of benefits if I can find a way to make my own money and work for it myself. I wasn't going to be signing on any time soon. Charlie was already working. This is Charlie Cook that has been mentioned in the Journal before a long time a go. He was quite a good friend by this point. He, like Stuart, had been working in a Kitchen from a young age because of their Dads being involved in the business. Charlie came to James' after work one day to pick up some week. And I do remember being envious about the amount of money he'd have after pay day. I mentioned I need to get a job and he told me he thought he could get me one washing up in the kitchen. Before I know it I'm employed.
Banana Wharf. Just thinking about it brings back some weird and nice emotions at the same time. Some really fond memories yet some times that I absolutely hated. Thoughts that I'd love to go back and work in a kitchen again and also thinking I never want to work in a kitchen ever again.
It was hard. Really fucking hard. Going from doing fuck all all day to standing on my feet for 7/8 straight on my first shift just washing, loading things onto a dishwasher, then putting them back to where they belong in the kitchen. I can almost still feel the pain in my legs when I finally got home and sat down. The ache was almost unbearable. But I stuck it out and continued to stand there day after day, slowly learning the ropes and trying to figure out what was going on around me. That first month was really fucking hard and I was really debating quitting. Not having the first pay come in yet leaving me with no money to spend at all having to borrow bus money from Mum to get to work. But when that first pay came in, it changed my life. - Employment is great. This is more money than I've ever had. Ever. Just fuck look at that. I think it was something like £900 for the first month. I wasn't working full weeks at the time having 2-3 days off a week and only doing morning or evening shifts.
It did change pretty quick. You lose a lot of your social life working in a kitchen. You gain some weird kind of relationships with the chefs and other people that work there. This kind of joint hatred for everything else. There's also this kind of bond in a kitchen that you work as a unit. If one person slows down or messes up it fucks the whole thing. Some people might have to start again, it might delay something else that had already been started. Even just washing up, you need to know what to prioritise. You learn quickly and adapt to the pressure.
I actually felt pretty good about how good I was getting at the job. I was the KP and I was reliable as fuck. I knew what my job was and I did it. I didn't interfere with anything else.
There were two of us, but Marcin moved up to the salad section. He loved it but I really was quite content being the KP. Natural life takes place and people leave and others moved up within the ranks as you might say. I was asked to move up and eventually, reluctantly, I did. Charlie was still there at the time and he showed me the ropes. It felt really crazy at the start, and I guess it was. There was suddenly a whole lot more to do and a lot more to think about. I had my routine before and now I couldn't really have one because I just depended on how busy we were that day, and what the weather was like. Eventually I got pretty good at that. - Another thing I soon realised is I seem to be able to pick thing up pretty quickly. It doesn't take that long for me to pick new things up and then I almost enjoy mastering new skills.
We're probably about a year in of employment at this point. I was learning a few other bits and bobs and just generally improving my skills in the kitchen. Next step was up to the Pizza & Pasta section.
I'll never ever forget the first night there. It was just me and Ali, the head chef at the time. (This is after Nick, Charlie's dad, and Dan had already left.)Ali reassured me it wasn't going to be a particularly busy night. But it was mental. Or at least how I remember it. And when I say just me and Ali that means me doing the KP duties along with Salad and Pizza and Pasta. Ali would run the pass, deal with the tickets and handle the meat section. I learnt a lot that night. Ali was rammed and had no time to help me. He was trying to shout a few things to help every now and then but yeah. Mental night. Pretty sure I smashed a bowl at one point. - Need to move through this quicker or I'll be typing all night.
Banana Wharf was great. Like I said, you make this kind of bond that you don't with other friends. Dependency and trust I guess. There are lots of fun stories I could tell but we're talking about 2 and a half.. almost 3 years of my life.
I got pretty good at what I did. I ran the fucking show essentially on the Pizza Pasta area and taught a lot of new people what to do in the kitchen. Again it was good for my confidence and building character. I was essentially in charge of people and delegated tasks to them.
To move onto the next step I need to cover living with Charlie and Beth.
Beth still gets her own section. Next one I think. Charlie was working at Banana Wharf with me. At one point he left to work with his dad at his new place. Then came back. We were still spending nearly all our time at James' house. Having money from working also meant I had a lot more money to spend on weed - Lots of other things come to mind here, but things I'll never forget. Beth and I had decided she was going to move down to Bournemouth so we could be together. With me, Charlie and Beth all together we decided we could get a decent 2 bed place and easily afford it. Meaning it gave a chance for Beth to get a job too. To be fair, it all worked out pretty well. Beth actually ended up getting a job at Nationwide while we were still living at my parents. The move went well and we were happy as fuck. We were smoking inside, a 10 minute walk from work which we actually kinda enjoyed and felt we were good at, albeit hard work. I was living with my girlfriend. Everything was great.
Then people started leaving Banana. Ali left. That was horrible. Artur took over which was good for a while. Artur left. Then a few others followed with him. Then some fucking bitch came in. I can't even remember her name, but I hated her. She had only been a chef for a 3 years, which to come in as a head chef at Banana was insane by my thoughts. She was shit. She couldn't control anything. She just loved being in charge of us but she didn't understand that'd we'd been here for years and we knew how things were done. Me and Charlie had ran the kitchen between us quite a few times a before with no problems at all. I was pretty much in line to going to sous chef. But I hated this woman. She made life hell for us. Everyone left till there was 4 of us left. Then she employed her girlfriend. It really fell apart. It was a really hot summer and we were just getting fucked every day. 1 day off a week and working non stop for the rest of the time. I remember calling Beth one day and telling her I just couldn't take it anymore. She agreed if I was really that miserable that I should leave like I wanted to do and I could find another job. So I left. It all ended on a Sunday. There was chaos in the kitchen because the bitch couldn't run it and didn't know what the fuck was going on. The manager came in screaming. I was blamed. When he took me outside I just told him I was fucking done with it all and I was leaving. I was meant to work 2 weeks notice but I think I was allowed to work 1 in the end.
The really sad thing about all of this was actually leaving. No one really gave a shit. I was really sad about it at the time but when I really think about it, it's because everyone had already gone. Anyone I really cared about had already jumped the fuck off the sinking ship, I was just one of the last to get off.

This is nuts. I think I've been writing for over an hour and a half now. I don't even know how to approach this subject.
Throughout the whole of the Journal prior to this entry, Alex is the girl. Lucy is often mentioned. I think I may have even had a little thing for Sophie at one point too. I don't really remember how I got over Alex. I definitely hated Tom Britten for a while. She fell in love with him. - There was a point I could've fucked it. I spent a day at hers, we kissed and she told me how she loved me. Sometimes I look back and wish I just continued with it and hoped she would've just fallen in love with me again and left Tom. But I told Tom. I think I had the thought that he'd just break up with her and then I could swoop in. If anything it fucked me more. Alex wasn't particularly happy with me and Tom didn't break up with her.
I went to the internet to find love. I still had my long hair at this point so actually finding a real life girlfriend where I lived felt an impossible task. I was actually catfished. But note going into it. Won't forget it and I don't think it's actually worth mentioning. It was a stupid mistake, but that's all it really turned out to be.
After said catfish. Beth was found. - Should also mention Kristi. I think I'd already been speaking to Kristi before for a few years. I was an interesting relationship. I still kinda love her but at the same time I am completely content with the reality that we would never be together. Important to know I found her attractive, and did feel in love with her.
Beth was the best thing to ever happen to me. She was a bit younger than me and was finishing school I think. We just got on really well. She clearly had some kind of interest and I was happy flirting with her. I think she was happy with it too. Eventually we were just talking constantly. About anything and everything. Start talking on the phone a lot. Being teenagers talked about sex, emotions, friends and growing up. There are things I could mention about the entire online relationship, but again, won't ever forget that stuff. I went to see her maybe once every 2 months. We were in love. Really couldn't get enough of each other. After a long time. From being unemployed to working on the pizza pasta section at Banana, she told me something had to happen or it had to end. It shook me and very soon after she moved to Bournemouth. It was amazing, but I think this period fucked the relationship a little. I think I was just paranoid. I couldn't be myself properly. Not because of Beth but because of Mum and Dad. They just expect people to behave certain ways and I was always worried about annoying them. Moving out was great for us and as I said the first period of living in the Poole flat was amazing. We really were in love and after all that time talking and saying 'I wish I was there right now' we were finally with each other every day, sleeping in the same bed together every night. It was everything I had wanted anyway. Beth even joined in smoking weed with me. We got on ridiculously well. We laughed at the same things, liked doing the same things. It was just great.
The big change was when Charlie left. Not long after I left Banana, Charlie followed, I mean literally a coupled of days after. Beth was fine with me leaving but wasn't expecting Charlie to follow. All of a sudden we were both unemployed with a new flat to pay for. Beth being the only one earning money. I had a great month smoking tonnes of weed, playing games and living off my last pay cheque + holiday money owed to me. I did a trial at another kitchen, but they wanted me to do 65 hours a week and basically run the kitchen. Kinda what I was trying to get away from. I got a job doing door to door sales. Lasted a week. It was utterly shit. Cant even be bothered describing it. Beth worked in Nationwide and thought she could get me an interview. She did. I got a job a Nationwide which is where I still work. Another subject to cover. Anyway, I got a job. Charlie didn't. He got annoying, not washing things up using things that wern't his, just being messy. He ran out of money and couldn't pay his share of the rent. We argued a fair few times and this lead to him actually moving out. All of a sudden it was me and Beth left with a flat we could only just about afford. We actually ended up getting a letter from the agency not long before our tenancy ran out telling us they wanted us to leave. The whole tightness of money, Charlie taking furniture, lots of different things, really took its toll on us. It was hard but we really were still in love and we were there for each other. We found somewhere cheaper and closer to work to move to. The move was stressful, but we were in our new 1 bed flat and we suddenly had a bit of free money to do what we wanted again. I'll admit it pretty much went on weed. This bit was great again for a while. We were alone together and it was amazing. We spent so much time just talking about crap. Sounds dull but it was all I wanted. I think we lasted about a year here. Things changed. Well I guess this is it. It wasn't so much that things changed it was more that I didn't change. I was still the same guy that was sat at James' place smoking weed and playing games. I was a bit smarter and bit more mature. But in reality I was satisfied with who I was (which I think is a huge thing in life), I had an okay job that I didn't mind doing. I intended on going elsewhere eventually. I was living along with the girl that I loved and I was still free to pretty much do whatever I felt like doing. Beth wanted to grow up a bit. Stop sitting around and smoking weed and maybe go out a little bit. She also wanted to progress in work. She just wanted to move on a little bit with life. I don't think she necessarily just wanted to get away from me, she just wanted to move on and if I wasn't going with her she wasn't going to wait around. I just wish she'd given me more of a warning and given me more of a chance. I did ultimately dig my own grave in this, but I still think there was so much more to us that never came to reality. There's one point in time that I'll never be able to shake out of my head. She asked me if I was happy. I answered this question in regards to how my day was going. 'Yeah I'm alright. I guess I'm content.' is pretty much what I said. Things get a bit blurry now. It really hard to remember specifics. The next main memory I have is laying on the mattress before sleeping, because we still hadn't built the bed. Then she just told me that we should split up for a bit. She wanted me to move back to my parents. She wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me anymore and the only way she could really decide is to try it. I cried so much that night. I think I slept on the sofa on the end. I can still remember her climbing on top of me trying to kiss me, telling me that she loved me. But at the the same time she's telling me to leave. It was honestly heartbreaking. It was at that point I really realised where my life was. She was everything.
I didn't really have any friends anymore. I've always remained very close to Joe Hawker and the others, but they had all continued education and were in university at the time. James had moved to Reading to be with his girlfriend (that completely changed him - He had also stopped smoking weed). I was fine with this before because I had Beth, I didn't need anyone else.
My job, that I didn't really care about, was fine because I didn't really care. It wasn't a good job and I didn't particularly enjoy it, but it was the same place as Beth and it meant we could live together. And doing whatever I wanted was great, but that's because what I wanted was to spend my time lounging around with Beth.
If I lost her, I lost everything.

This is where things fucked up for me. - I'm pretty sure it was the first night I was back at my parents, Kristi added me on facebook. - I should also explain Beth did not like Kristi. She had found texts between the two of us with me flirting with her while we were in a relationship. I was told if she ever found anything again she would leave me. I was a dick to send those messages to Kristi in the first place.
I made a fake facebook account to message Kristi - I couldn't have Beth seeing I'd added her as a friend as soon as I'd moved out. I sent her a message saying I'd had a dream about her recently, because I had, and just generally trying to catch up. It had been a long time since we'd spoke. We exchanged numbers again and we were texting a fair amount. A lot of it about how upset I was and how much I missed Beth.
I got a new phone. One of my conversations with Kristi was open on a tab. I deleted Kristi's number, sent her a text telling her I was on my way to Beth's so we could talk things over so don't text me for a bit. Think it even mentioned it may be the last text ever sent to her.
I got to the flat. Beth and I spoke and we talked about how much we missed each other. It was going great. We were laughing with each other a little bit. She asked if she could see my new phone so I nervously handed it over. She saw the tab, tried to open it, but because I'd deleted the conversation and Kristi as a contact it just closed and went back to the menu. It's obvious whatever it was I was trying to hide it. And I openly admitted it was Kristi. That was the end right there. I could honestly cry right now thinking about it. It destroyed me. I completely broke down. After a while I ran out the flat with nothing but my phone. I can still remember looking back down the street behind me hoping she'd follow me out. I was looking behind me for fucking ages. We lived right near Boscombe pier. I ran all the way past Bournemouth and probably a mile past. She finally called me. I was hoping she'd be asking for me to come back but she was just asking what I was doing. I still had some stuff at the flat and she needed to go to bed soon. I begged her over the phone to reconsider. Turned around and ran all the way back. One thing I really remember about this is not having any tobacco. I needed a cigarette so badly the whole time I was out there but had nothing.
When I got back to the flat she wasn't horrible. I remember her even trying to hold my hand but I refused. I couldn't take the whole 'fuck off' yet being so nice at the same time.
I left. She didn't let me go completely though. We carried on talking for a while. We actually saw each other a whole lot, and I have to say that this point we were having the best sex ever. But I was in hell the whole time. I just wanted to move back in and be with her but she was telling me she didn't know what to do and she couldn't trust me. I definitely got pretty shitty over some of this period too. Everything was amazing when we were actually physically together. Then as soon as we were apart it was like she didn't give a fuck about me. I felt like I was going insane and I really was fucking depressed at some points. It came to a point I gave her an ultimatum. She had to decide over the phone there and then. We gave it a shot and tried to fix the relationship, or it ended and we stopped talking to each other. She quite quickly and bluntly told me that it would have to be over then.
I've never felt like that before. That's where it really ended. When I'd left the flat before after the whole phone thing I still had this little bit of hope that I would fix it. The conversation we'd had prior to her finding the message was so positive. This time it was done. It had ended up with me essentially being the one ending it by making her pick.
I struggled for years after breaking up with Beth. Trying to get over her. I still think there's a part of me that isn't over her. I was just so happy with her. I was so comfortable. I felt like I really didn't have any problems. I was set for life.
Friends remind me of somethings. The lack of social life is a big one. But that never really bothered me because we were great together, I didn't care if we weren't going out and seeing other people.
I think I still compare every other girl to her. How they look, how they act, what they find funny, how they interact with me. I'm still sure that if she messaged me tomorrow and asked to try it all again I would do it.
I have to sum this up again. It's another huge part of my life and without me really wanting it to, it made me change my attitude to life and work in a big way.
I had some really low times and I was utterly miserable at some points. It gave me a lot of happy moments too though and I really was utterly in love with her for a long, long time.
Before I move out of this whole subject I have to note the summer after the final official break.
This is actually one of the best times in my life. I was living at my parents and Joe had come back for a break in uni staying at his Mum's which was just up the road from me. We spent a lot of time together including my 21st Birthday. A whole other story. I would often get off the bus at his on the way home from work and stay there late into the evening. We drank a lot, we smoked a fair bit too and we relived everything we used to do together when we were in school together. It really was great and I just had to mention that. Joe quotes it to be the best Summer of his life. I kind of enjoy seeing the look on Roxanne's face when he says that in front of her.

The job Beth got me was a pretty crap one. I although I was employed by Nationwide I didn't really work for them. I was working for The Mortgage Works. The buy to let side to Nationwide mortgages. When I started I barely knew what a mortgage was and I didn't really give a shit either. Being on the phones you had to learn a lot quickly. People could ask you questions about literally anything and you were meant to know the answer, or know where to get the answer. As usual, I picked up the basics pretty quickly and started to get pretty good at it. I got to a comfortable level where I could easily hit my targets and not have to struggle too much. You do get shit days and that's uncontrollable. You never know who's calling or what shit situation they might be calling about.
After Beth left and the summer with Joe came to an end I had managed to save up enough money to move out alone into a small studio flat. I think I ended up moving in around September/October that year. At this point I was still really trying to move on and get over Beth. This turned out to actually be quite hard with my small wage I had little spare money to spend on social events and was actually alone a lot. When it got to the new year I had decided I was going to make a new years resolution, something I don't usually do. I was going to make an effort at work and trying and make something of myself. I got 2 new suits and I went in January smartly dressed and really knuckled down. I learnt a lot and I was one of the best performers on the team. I'd have little rivalries with other people as to who could take the most calls/perform the best each day. I had to move up though and put in an application for a job in Nationwide Now. Being a Personal Bank Manager where you conduct interviews with people over what is essentially skype and recommend them for certain Nationwide products or manage their accounts. I fucked the interview and I'm glad I did. I would've been shit at that job.
After that I made it clear to my manager I wanted to move out of the phone team and start learning move. I moved to a team called pre underwrite. It's essentially where documents and responses from brokers were validated to be 'acceptable items' or 'unacceptable items'. It was a bit ridiculous sometimes because you weren't really trusted with anything at all. But it was amazing to get off the phones, and in all honesty pre underwrite was fucking easy. I could finish was was required of my in a day but about 1-2pm. Then you have the rest of the day to do what you want really. Not long after the position of underwriter was advertised. The job I wanted. I applied and to my surprise I got it. Although when you look back you can see I was in the 1st, maybe even 2nd batch of underwriters taken in that were only really taken because they needed numbers. Not many people really had the experience or skill to do the job, but got in anyway.
I'll cover this bit briefly and simply as possible. To be an underwriter you complete different training for different things in separate blocks.
I joined the group with everyone else. Proofs were first. Did those. They sucked. Then there was essentially a bit of being told what to do and guided by people. Then get on a do it.
You start underwriting mortgage applicaitons. You have to do so many that will then get checked by more senior underwriters to make sure you do the job right, and if you do well enough, do the right number of underwrites in a certain amount of days without getting to many errors they will give you a mandate to sign off loans up to £500k.
Do to completely unexpected events I had some time off work right at the end of this process.
When I came back everyone had got their mandates, other than Alex Wigmore and Lisa... forgothername. The whole standard of checking had changed while I had been off. Kristina was brought in to take over checking the work.
I spent a further 10 months underwriting having every single thing I did checked and critiqued by Kristina. The normal process took about 2-3 months in total once the underwriting training part started.
I have to give it to her that at the point I got my mandate, I was one of the best underwriters on the entire floor and other people there had had theirs for years. I was furious that there seemed to be this crazy double standard and I got held back for so long. I also suffered in a large deduction from my bonus because I was still in training. But at the same time I was actually kinda proud that I was pretty good at it immediately.
I carried on doing this for about a year and I was pretty content I knew my fucking shit. I was very good at the job I was given to do. The first mandate was a 'Low Risk Mandate'. I got a 'Standard Risk Mandate' within 2 weeks.
There's then a 'High Risk' team above where I worked. They knew their shit way more than I did. I didn't question anything they said. They get to overrule the policy that I had to stick to word for word. What they say goes. I applied to get in. Some how I fucking got in.
I've been in high risk underwriting since September. Shits hard. I can't possibly go through the amount of thing I've learnt. It's a completely different job. There's tonnes more trust in me, but at the same time I have a fuck load more responsibility. And the stuff I'm dealing with is just generally difficult. That's why it comes to us. It took me a few months to get my high risk mandate. And I've recently got the 2nd level of a high risk mandate. Next one is probably about a year away before I consider going for it.
Things are good realistically. But at the same time.. It's fucking mortgages. I don't really give a shit still. I'm proud of myself that I did manage to work up to where I am and I still have the ability and potential to go a whole lot further.

I've taken you, probably me reading this back hopefully in a few years, this far.
It's now 20 past 1. I have to go to work tomorrow.
I still have so much to cover. Verity and Jamie being the reason I was unexpectedly off work. Where I was living after the studio flat. Where I'm living now.
I still need to cover events that happened. Musical items. Things like Tom Clark's wedding, children, break up.
I need to talk about the emotions I've experienced. Talk about how I've learnt to understand other people. How I'm expected to react and behave. How the world is changing around me and there are still so many things that I've learnt and things I'm still learning about.
I will continue this. I'm glad I wrote all of the above.


  • Three Words.

    I've always thought that when you're going to say 'I love you' you should really mean it. It's not something that should be taken lightly and not a…

  • Update II

    I've been meaning to continue this but I've almost been scared of doing it because I have no idea how it's going to make me feel or how it's going to…

  • Blah

    I get attached to people too easily.

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