;DD

Three Words.

I've always thought that when you're going to say 'I love you' you should really mean it. It's not something that should be taken lightly and not a few words to throw around carelessly. It means a lot. But it's also one of those things that doesn't really have a definition as such. Only people's different opinions to what they thought 'love' felt like or feels.

I guess to me, love means everything. It's not that I just like you, or really like you. It's that you're my favourite. I can't pick out anything bad and I can't say there's anything I dislike. I like everything about you and I like it more than I like anything else in the world. It's also a sense of need in that I don't feel like I just want to be around you, I feel like I need to be. If I don't have you in my life then I couldn't possibly be happy.

Just like anything else the more you say it the more it loses it's meaning and it's hard to get the real point across. I was almost scared to say it before because I never knew what the reaction would be. But that meant that when I did say it it felt like a big deal. I mean it. I love you.
That's changed. I don't feel scared to tell you anymore and I tell you more than once a day. But the thing is that it doesn't mean any less than it did before. But it seems to feel like it sometimes. When it's out of nowhere and I say I love you, that's no different to me being an emotional wreck, tears falling and saying I love you. One might seem more meaningful but I love you just as much in both moments. You're everything to me all the time and you're all I want all the time.
I'm already rambling but I think all I really want to say in this is don't ever think I'm saying it just for the sake of saying it. Don't take it as a throwaway comment because it's actually coming from the heart every time.
So from now on every time I say I love you; every fucking time, I want you to think of this.

I think you're beautiful.
You're smart.
You're funny.
You're kind.
You're thoughtful.
I love how you don't take things for granted and appreciate what you have.
I love how you are able to relate to me and how I'm feeling. Even when I'm struggling to get my point across.
I love how you genuinely care and you really are interested in what I'm thinking or what I have to say.
I love how you're always honest with me and won't ever hold things back.
I love that I can relate to you with so many things in life.
I love that I don't ever feel like I have to figure things out or read between the lines. I know what you mean and I understand how you're feeling.
I love that I can tell you anything. I don't ever have to worry about anything with you.
I love that I can rely on you. You'll be there if I really need you.
I think you're the most amazing human on this planet.
I think you can achieve whatever you want to. You easily have the ability to.
I think you deserve nothing but the best. You should only ever be happy and I want to do as much as I can to make sure that's the case.
You're everything to me.

I don't feel like that about anybody else and I don't think I've ever quite felt like that about anyone else because all of the statements above relate to you only. They're not applicable to anybody else I know. You've always been completely unique and held your own special place in my head and my heart and you're always going to. Even if for some stupid reason we were to stop talking and maybe never spoke again, I would not be able to forget you and there will always be a part of me that wonders about you and wants you.

No matter what's going on, what thoughts are going through your head or how you're feeling. Remember that I will always love you, Kristi.
;DD

Update II

I've been meaning to continue this but I've almost been scared of doing it because I have no idea how it's going to make me feel or how it's going to come out. I've just re-read the previous post and it does cover quite a lot. Definitely still a lot missing but I don't think I could possible cover the entire last 8 years without spending a few days typing. Not something I really fancy doing, as much as I do enjoy this.
Let's just get on with it.

Verity.
It's hard to write about such a large period of time because everything seems to link into everything else, and it's hard to cover once subject without getting sidetracked and moving onto something else. Verity has been involved for quite a fair amount of time and links into the Nationwide part of life. And I guess in a way links with the break up with Beth.
I met Verity through work. It started with me being on the updates line, her on the completion team. I'd often call her for help with certain cases or to sort out problems. We were just friendly really. I was told it sounded like I was flirting when people might have been listening to my calls (training new starters) but it was all very innocent. Then there was a work Party.
- This is where I have to link it back to Beth again a little. I touched on it briefly before saying how eventually it spurred me on to realise where I was in life, and as such realising that if it was ever going to get better it was all down to me to improve it. This is where I'd started wearing suits to work, I tried to just be more confident in myself and social around people I don't know. I was always very awkward before and that generally puts a lot of people off. I made efforts to go out with people after work for drinks, just general chat and I can say it definitely improved my life and I made a lot more new friends.

So this party was another work event and I was happy to go having quite a few friends. Verity also attended. The night pretty much goes that we both got drunk and ended up sleeping together.
Now I liked Verity and I thought it would be nice to continue seeing each other and that's exactly what we did. This is where the first problem comes in. To me we were always just seeing each other. There was never anything serious, no I love you's or romantic gestures. We just spent a lot of time together and had a good time. This went on for months until she finally started to question 'What is this'. It was always a bit weird from then because I wouldn't ever commit.
We were still good though and it continued on this way. Then Verity had a baby.
I say it like that because that's exactly how it was. There was no signs of any pregnancy whatsoever. We were often going out to loads of different places, drinking, going on rides and a gig or two. But there was a baby growing and on Monday the 21st September 2015 he decided to be born.
I'd stayed over on the Sunday night and was going to get up and go into with Work with Verity like we often did. But that day she'd burst into the room around 10 to 8 screaming in pain and telling me something was wrong. I really wasn't that fussed. She said her stomach and back was hurting and she didn't know what it was. I remember saying that I'd call and ambulance if it was that bad thinking she'd suddenly take it back and say it wasn't bad enough for that, but instead she immediately agreed and I called 999. Eventually paramedics come around and start asking typical medical questions. They asked if she was pregnant and we were both saying there was no way. So they took her into hospital. I remember going into the hospital with her in the ambulance and she was in so much pain. They were pumping morphine into her and she would go between states of screaming to almost passing out. Eventually we get to hospital and a Doctor checks her. Not long after he says 'yeah you're pregnant'. Couple of seconds later came 'and looks like the baby's coming right now'. I'll never forget the look of sheer terror on Verity's face. She looked straight at me with pure terror. I had nothing to say. I was just shocked. I didn't know what I could possible say here. We went into the resuscitation room I think and about 15 minutes later there was a baby. About 10 to 10 in the morning. And I witnessed everything which I really wish I hadn't to be honest. Insane thing to see but definitely not the prettiest.
This was a horrible moment as well because Verity didn't want the baby. Why would she? Put after he was born they placed him ontop of her expecting her to cuddle and cradle it. But she just held her arms away from it and tried not to look at it while she was crying. Eventually they kinda figured it out and took him away.
That's the birth and without going into much more detail Verity eventually decided to keep the baby. Jamie.

The next part is the fact I stayed. Cutting this really short, I just couldn't leave her to deal with this all by herself. I wasn't tied to it at all and I didn't have any responsibility. This wasn't my baby. I'd only been with Verity for about 7 going on 8 months. This was a baby that was over due. Turns out Verity had actually slept with someone called Simon just over 9 months ago. And I mean, it was pretty clear it was Simon's baby.
Simon didn't want anything to do with this at all. In a way I can't blame him. But I still think he's pathetic for that. This is his child, whether he likes it or not and he should realise he has some kind of responsibility to deal with that.
Anyway. Yeah, I stayed. I pretty much told her I'd commit to her and stay with her to be with her through this around a month in. Shortly after I moved in. I was daddy now. All of a sudden I was a family man.
I remember my Dad didn't approve of this. I don't think Mum was exactly keen on it all either but was definitely supportive of whatever decision I was going to make.

I don't want to get into details of mine and Verity's relationship.
This is why I didn't want to write this. I don't know what to write. I can't possibly explain what our relationship was or is like. I've always loved her to bits and she's a fantastic person. But I don't think we've ever been in love at all. It's always felt like it was at the start. We were seeing each other.
But of course this was suddenly so different. We were a family and it quickly turned in to me and Verity being Jamie's parents and nothing else.
The good things we had before where we would go out places and do things were gone. We couldn't do that any more we had a baby to look after.
- I think the best way to go through this is not to go through what happened but talk about how this has affected me.

I had to change a lot which is something I have never really been open to before. I don't like change. I was responsible for a child, and in a way for Verity too. And it's fucking hard having a baby. It's one of the most frustrating things in the entire world. It can drive you crazy, leaving you sleepless, angry and stressed out. This is also at the time I was working towards my low risk mandate at work which in itself was a fucking stressful time.
Again my bonus wasn't really enjoyed when it came around because it was used for me and Verity to move into another flat more suitable for the three of us rather than a top floor flat of a 6 storey building in the town centre. And it was a nice little flat to be honest.
Our relationship got worse and worse and about a year into it I finally left.
This is after tonnes of fights and arguments. Hours spent in silence furious at each other. I really hated my life at some points then. Even remember times I was glad to be going to work to get away from that atmosphere in the flat.
Leaving Verity is a massive part in my life. Biggest one I guess.
I have to make a point that it was the most difficult thing I have ever done because I loved Jamie more than anything in the entire world.
Being a Dad was absolutely amazing and I do miss it quite a lot. It's the most amazing thing to watch a child grow and have that feeling of complete trust and unconditional love. We had an amazing bond and he was easily as much of a Daddy's boy as he was a Mummy's boy.
I was torn apart when I left him.

Back Home again.
So of course I'm back at my parents. There's something so depressing about being there now. It feels like defeat and it's almost like a reminder that whatever my last venture out was, ended up in a massive failure again. I was pretty fucking depressed at this point and found it hard to do anything to be honest. Sleeping was hard, I constantly felt sick and would vomit every now and again. It was impossible to concentrate on anything. I really, really struggled around this time.
I also fell back into this obsession with Beth again. - There was a point half way through my time with Verity that Beth had messaged me quite casually asking about my life. But I was telling her how proud I was of having Jamie so wasn't exactly open for anything. Also after I night of getting drunk and speaking to her friend I found out she was actually interested in getting back together with me. I felt I had this opportunity to claim her back and tried talking to her again. She was already seeing someone new.
Me being me, as fucked up as I was at that point became really desperate and started sending her messages telling her about my love for her and how I'd realised my mistakes and would do anything to get her back again. She blocked me and rightly so.

Time is the greatest healer. I don't think there was anything I can specifically put down to me moving on at this point. I know I started playing the guitar a hell of a lot more and really started getting back into my music in general. But I did just kinda get over it all. I focused on my work a lot and just tried to enjoy my life. I think I had got to the point where I thought I had to have a positive outlook if anything is going to get any better. It did and I was actually enjoying life for a bit. Still sucked living back home, but I had my whole pay check to do whatever I wanted. I was drinking quite a bit at this point. Smoked a shit tonne of weed.
Although I've hated going back to my parents it always has this weird way of healing me.
After the break up with Beth going back home I had started running quite a lot and really loved that. In a way being there it gives me some kind of motivation to pick things up again and fix whatever was broken and get out of this place again.
It still hurt and I did miss Jamie and sometimes Verity, but I was in a good place at this point I think.

- All of the above is very short for everything that really happened. But there are somethings I don't want to write and in all honestly might actually prefer forgetting. A lot of emotions came around during my whole time with Verity. I experienced some massive highs but my lowest lows. I don't want Verity to come out in a bad light either because you couldn't possible put the blame of what happened on once person. We were both responsible but I don't think we could deal with everything being in the situation we were. The whole thing was a shock and I don't think the dust ever really settled. I know it wasn't working and I know I did the right thing by leaving.

We're here.
So now we're coming up to date. There's still about a year to cover but this part is probably the reason I wanted to actually write this. This year has been one of the most interesting ones in my life. I always feel like I reach this certain point that is 'this is who I am now'. But we're always changing and I think this is the guy I've liked the most.
It's been about me really. I got the Risk Underwriter job so got a little pay rise in it too. I was able to afford to get a flat to rent in the town centre. That's where I'm writing this right now.
The two things came hand in hand. It's been a new start with me living alone in a one bedroom flat and this new job that I described before having this whole new level of responsibility. I've grown up. Maybe that's why this guy has been my favourite. He's an adult now and I kind of respect him. I know I haven't suffered like many, many people have in their past. But I also feel like I've been through a fair bit of shit and have had some big life experiences that have shaped me to who I am now. I'm not an idiot but I'm not arrogant. I'm a nice guy. That's something that's stuck with me throughout life and has a lot to do with how my parent's raised me but I think now I'm so independent and reliant on making my own social life it pays off to just be a nice guy and know that people think that about you.
Being alone has made me learn tonnes about social interaction in general. I mentioned I'd started going out with work friends when I'd broken up with Beth but that was more because I was desperate to change myself. I didn't really care what the result was as long as it was different from my current situation. Now I feel fully aware about how the tiniest interactions with some people can have such a huge affect on their opinion of you.
I very recently read a small thing where they described there are thousands versions of you. Everybody has a different opinion and built a different imagine in their own heads of who you are. You've done the same thing because of course you have your own opinion about who you are.
I'm not entirely in agreement with the thing but I completely get what they're getting at. People at work would know a completely different side to me than people who've only ever seen me outside of work. I act very differently, but I'm still the same person.
But I feel like I've got to a point where I do like who I am and I am content with the person reflected by the way I act in public. I can openly admit there are many, many things I could improve in myself but I like who I am. I like my life and I appreciate what I have. I feel like I've made it here through tough work and there are a lot of things I have now that are things I've always wanted.
I have my own space. It feels nice I can invite people back to my place and have them over. I like being alone. There are still times I get a little lonely but that's completely normal being alone a lot of the time. I do what I want when I feel like doing it. If I need to fix something or do something that it's down to me to do it. But if things don't bother me, they don't bother me. I live how I want to.

The main change over the last year goes back to Verity again. - Again I don't want to get into this because it's still on going and I really don't know how I actually feel about it.
I'm seeing Verity again and it's good. But it's good because we're just seeing each other. It's like the start all over again. I get to see Jamie and it's amazing. He's going to be 3 in September and he's growing up into a little boy from the baby I used to play with and spend so much time with. He's amazing too. I still love him to bits but our relationship is that I'm just a friend and that's actually quite nice.
I don't think I could possibly commit and go back into the whole family thing again. But I'm still seeing Verity. So I have to decide whatever it is I'm going to do and make a decision.

There's still more. But I feel like we've pretty much caught up on what's gone on in the last 8 years of my life. And now I want to be able to update this Journal with different thoughts. Other memories I have that still play a big part in who I am now.
I still need to touch on other subjects such as relationships with friends and music.
Work is a constantly changing part of my life.
But for now I'm going to end it. I hope I come back and read this years from now because I know I'm going to forget a lot of it. And I'm glad I've expressed my emotions in this and told you what it was I was feeling back then and what I'm feeling about it all now.

Hope to update soon.

Cya
Antidote.
  • Current Music
    Rain King - Counting Crows
;DD

Update

The last time I posted anything here was almost 8 years ago. I feel like I should update this and just give a bit of an overview as to what's happened. I'd like this to be written really well but I'm sure the more I go the more casual it'll get and I won't be surprised if a few typos/spelling errors will find their way in.
I'm just going to try and highlight the main topics and turning points throughout. It's just after reading through all my older entries it's actually been quite nice to remember certain days or feelings I had about things. It's also interesting to see how I change over that period. I think the age of 17/18 was the year I really became who I am today and defined my character, which I think is just about the same time I stopped posting here. So here goes..

6th Form.
I think at the time of the last entry I was still in Oakmead's 6th Form. It was shit. I didn't actually finish the two years I intended on spending there and dropped out not long after the 2nd year started.
- At this point I have to mention something I had always kept out of the 'Journal' previously. I know Ashley, Vicky or even possibly other old friends could potentially read this, but I am an adult and I don't think there would be any overreaction. I'm also sure that Mum already knows. I smoke weed and have done since I was around 14. I've also been smoking cigarettes since 13 years old which I know is a dirty and horrible habit. But I enjoy it and I've taken the stance that I'm not going to stop just because I'm told to. But highlighting the fact I smoke weed is very important as it has been a major part of my life for a very long time. It's not anything to worry about and it's not that my life revolves around it. I enjoy it and although I can admit I do spend a fair amount of money on it I'm also content that it's not a problem in my life and it is manageable whenever it needs to be. - Back to the update.
As I had been attending 6th form I was now receiving the £30 weekly EMA payments, providing I had attended all of my scheduled lessons. This suddenly meant I didn't have to try and scrounge £5 off mum and go halves with someone to smoke anymore. I could buy my own stuff easily and the government were essentially paying for it. All I had to do was go the the classes. I didn't have to try or necessarily do any work though. Soo.. putting the two together you'd end up with me getting high in the free periods then turning up to lessons with no intention of doing anything other than sitting at a computer listening to my music.
I couldn't do this all the time, but made the most of it when I could. I had taken A level biology and BTECs in iMedia and Music. Biology was great but hard. I still do have an interest in human biology but I have to admit I did struggle to take all the information in at the time and when we started the subject of biochemistry I really fell apart in that class. We had taken a mock exam specifically on the topic and I was graded with an F. Human biology was amazing and really interesting. Plant biology along with other topics were also interesting, but it was only really the human body that I was fascinated with. iMedia was crap from day one. I can barely remember much of it now I look back at it all. I remember laughing with Michael a lot but this was the prime lesson to be high in. A lot of the item we were assigned things to do over weeks at a time so each lesson you would come in, log on and get on with your work. So I would come in, log on and listen to music while browsing the internet for an hour or two.
Music was 'Music Technology'. It was this or music theory which really wasn't and still isn't for me. It was okay I guess. I think I just wanted to play music all the time though. It was interesting learning some of the basics of recording and setting up microphones and using a mixer. But there was also a fair amount of coursework which was writing about specific types of microphones and really understanding how they work and why some are better for certain things than others. I couldn't be bothered with that at the time. I actually think if I took that class again now I might enjoy it. But soon enough the lessons that were filled with coursework ended up being just like the iMedia classes.
Taking it all into consideration, struggling with Biology, hating iMedia and not particularly liking or getting on well with music, I decided to drop out.
This actually turned out to be quite a hard thing to do. They told me I couldn't just leave and I had to finish my course. I even explained that I had pretty much stopped attending half my lessons and that when I was attending I still wasn't doing any work. They were still insistent that I finished the year. We were also only 1 or 2 months into the start of the 2nd year at this point. I won't go into too much detail but I do remember one specific thing.
I spoke to mum about it all and she agreed, begrudgingly, that if I didn't want to do it then there was no point trying to force me to do it. We went into the school and spoke to the head of 6th Form and within 5 minutes my Mum had been talked around and was being told I had to attend from 9 - 3 5 days a week in iMedia just to finish a few bits of coursework to be able to achieve the first years qualification that I didn't get and then I could leave.
Mum dropped me off on the Monday morning at 9am. I went across the road and stayed at James' house. I don't ever remember going back for another lesson. I do remember being told they managed to find some old work of mine and it was suddenly enough to get the first year's qualification but I never got it. Didn't bother me as I didn't ever have to go back.

Work.
So now I wasn't going to 6th Form anymore and I spent nearly all of my time at James' house. I honestly spent more time there than I did at my parent's and that probably includes the time I spent sleeping. I have to admit that James' house was a huge part of my life. Certainly defined my character a lot.
Before spending all my time here I was spending most of my time with Joe Hawker, Tom Britten and the rest of them. The old band I guess. They're all smart guys and you can have some intelligent conversation with them. Humour is also different because again, they're just a bit smarter. But being at James' I was surrounded by idiots. Friends and mostly good people, but they were just dumb. So I almost had this power at this house. I was essentially 2nd from James. I spent nearly all my time there, so if a 3rd party was to go round James' I'd nearly always be there. And then if anyone ever did try and give me shit or make fun of me, I was genuinely smarter and funnier than them so I could instantly make anyone look like a dickhead in front of everyone else. People then start to recognise me and I end up with a kind of respect. I think I got a bit of confidence here.
- I've just suddenly thought I need to mention Beth. She's already come into my life at this point but she needs her own.. thing.
So now I'm at James' all the time, have some kind of weird respect and authority so even though I didn't have any money coming in apart from a little bit Mum would give me every now and then I had no problem smoking still as James' place was kinda a hot spot. There was a dealer across the road, and another one just around the corner (at this point. Many other local dealers turned up in West Howe surprise surprise.)
Although this was a great time in life, playing games and smoking weed. Laughing with friends, meeting new people and gaining a whole new confidence in myself, I did need to do something to justify leaving 6th Form.
I'm the kind of guy that just refuses to take any kind of benefits if I can find a way to make my own money and work for it myself. I wasn't going to be signing on any time soon. Charlie was already working. This is Charlie Cook that has been mentioned in the Journal before a long time a go. He was quite a good friend by this point. He, like Stuart, had been working in a Kitchen from a young age because of their Dads being involved in the business. Charlie came to James' after work one day to pick up some week. And I do remember being envious about the amount of money he'd have after pay day. I mentioned I need to get a job and he told me he thought he could get me one washing up in the kitchen. Before I know it I'm employed.
Banana Wharf. Just thinking about it brings back some weird and nice emotions at the same time. Some really fond memories yet some times that I absolutely hated. Thoughts that I'd love to go back and work in a kitchen again and also thinking I never want to work in a kitchen ever again.
It was hard. Really fucking hard. Going from doing fuck all all day to standing on my feet for 7/8 straight on my first shift just washing, loading things onto a dishwasher, then putting them back to where they belong in the kitchen. I can almost still feel the pain in my legs when I finally got home and sat down. The ache was almost unbearable. But I stuck it out and continued to stand there day after day, slowly learning the ropes and trying to figure out what was going on around me. That first month was really fucking hard and I was really debating quitting. Not having the first pay come in yet leaving me with no money to spend at all having to borrow bus money from Mum to get to work. But when that first pay came in, it changed my life. - Employment is great. This is more money than I've ever had. Ever. Just fuck look at that. I think it was something like £900 for the first month. I wasn't working full weeks at the time having 2-3 days off a week and only doing morning or evening shifts.
It did change pretty quick. You lose a lot of your social life working in a kitchen. You gain some weird kind of relationships with the chefs and other people that work there. This kind of joint hatred for everything else. There's also this kind of bond in a kitchen that you work as a unit. If one person slows down or messes up it fucks the whole thing. Some people might have to start again, it might delay something else that had already been started. Even just washing up, you need to know what to prioritise. You learn quickly and adapt to the pressure.
I actually felt pretty good about how good I was getting at the job. I was the KP and I was reliable as fuck. I knew what my job was and I did it. I didn't interfere with anything else.
There were two of us, but Marcin moved up to the salad section. He loved it but I really was quite content being the KP. Natural life takes place and people leave and others moved up within the ranks as you might say. I was asked to move up and eventually, reluctantly, I did. Charlie was still there at the time and he showed me the ropes. It felt really crazy at the start, and I guess it was. There was suddenly a whole lot more to do and a lot more to think about. I had my routine before and now I couldn't really have one because I just depended on how busy we were that day, and what the weather was like. Eventually I got pretty good at that. - Another thing I soon realised is I seem to be able to pick thing up pretty quickly. It doesn't take that long for me to pick new things up and then I almost enjoy mastering new skills.
We're probably about a year in of employment at this point. I was learning a few other bits and bobs and just generally improving my skills in the kitchen. Next step was up to the Pizza & Pasta section.
I'll never ever forget the first night there. It was just me and Ali, the head chef at the time. (This is after Nick, Charlie's dad, and Dan had already left.)Ali reassured me it wasn't going to be a particularly busy night. But it was mental. Or at least how I remember it. And when I say just me and Ali that means me doing the KP duties along with Salad and Pizza and Pasta. Ali would run the pass, deal with the tickets and handle the meat section. I learnt a lot that night. Ali was rammed and had no time to help me. He was trying to shout a few things to help every now and then but yeah. Mental night. Pretty sure I smashed a bowl at one point. - Need to move through this quicker or I'll be typing all night.
Banana Wharf was great. Like I said, you make this kind of bond that you don't with other friends. Dependency and trust I guess. There are lots of fun stories I could tell but we're talking about 2 and a half.. almost 3 years of my life.
I got pretty good at what I did. I ran the fucking show essentially on the Pizza Pasta area and taught a lot of new people what to do in the kitchen. Again it was good for my confidence and building character. I was essentially in charge of people and delegated tasks to them.
To move onto the next step I need to cover living with Charlie and Beth.
Beth still gets her own section. Next one I think. Charlie was working at Banana Wharf with me. At one point he left to work with his dad at his new place. Then came back. We were still spending nearly all our time at James' house. Having money from working also meant I had a lot more money to spend on weed - Lots of other things come to mind here, but things I'll never forget. Beth and I had decided she was going to move down to Bournemouth so we could be together. With me, Charlie and Beth all together we decided we could get a decent 2 bed place and easily afford it. Meaning it gave a chance for Beth to get a job too. To be fair, it all worked out pretty well. Beth actually ended up getting a job at Nationwide while we were still living at my parents. The move went well and we were happy as fuck. We were smoking inside, a 10 minute walk from work which we actually kinda enjoyed and felt we were good at, albeit hard work. I was living with my girlfriend. Everything was great.
Then people started leaving Banana. Ali left. That was horrible. Artur took over which was good for a while. Artur left. Then a few others followed with him. Then some fucking bitch came in. I can't even remember her name, but I hated her. She had only been a chef for a 3 years, which to come in as a head chef at Banana was insane by my thoughts. She was shit. She couldn't control anything. She just loved being in charge of us but she didn't understand that'd we'd been here for years and we knew how things were done. Me and Charlie had ran the kitchen between us quite a few times a before with no problems at all. I was pretty much in line to going to sous chef. But I hated this woman. She made life hell for us. Everyone left till there was 4 of us left. Then she employed her girlfriend. It really fell apart. It was a really hot summer and we were just getting fucked every day. 1 day off a week and working non stop for the rest of the time. I remember calling Beth one day and telling her I just couldn't take it anymore. She agreed if I was really that miserable that I should leave like I wanted to do and I could find another job. So I left. It all ended on a Sunday. There was chaos in the kitchen because the bitch couldn't run it and didn't know what the fuck was going on. The manager came in screaming. I was blamed. When he took me outside I just told him I was fucking done with it all and I was leaving. I was meant to work 2 weeks notice but I think I was allowed to work 1 in the end.
The really sad thing about all of this was actually leaving. No one really gave a shit. I was really sad about it at the time but when I really think about it, it's because everyone had already gone. Anyone I really cared about had already jumped the fuck off the sinking ship, I was just one of the last to get off.

Beth.
This is nuts. I think I've been writing for over an hour and a half now. I don't even know how to approach this subject.
Throughout the whole of the Journal prior to this entry, Alex is the girl. Lucy is often mentioned. I think I may have even had a little thing for Sophie at one point too. I don't really remember how I got over Alex. I definitely hated Tom Britten for a while. She fell in love with him. - There was a point I could've fucked it. I spent a day at hers, we kissed and she told me how she loved me. Sometimes I look back and wish I just continued with it and hoped she would've just fallen in love with me again and left Tom. But I told Tom. I think I had the thought that he'd just break up with her and then I could swoop in. If anything it fucked me more. Alex wasn't particularly happy with me and Tom didn't break up with her.
I went to the internet to find love. I still had my long hair at this point so actually finding a real life girlfriend where I lived felt an impossible task. I was actually catfished. But note going into it. Won't forget it and I don't think it's actually worth mentioning. It was a stupid mistake, but that's all it really turned out to be.
After said catfish. Beth was found. - Should also mention Kristi. I think I'd already been speaking to Kristi before for a few years. I was an interesting relationship. I still kinda love her but at the same time I am completely content with the reality that we would never be together. Important to know I found her attractive, and did feel in love with her.
Beth was the best thing to ever happen to me. She was a bit younger than me and was finishing school I think. We just got on really well. She clearly had some kind of interest and I was happy flirting with her. I think she was happy with it too. Eventually we were just talking constantly. About anything and everything. Start talking on the phone a lot. Being teenagers talked about sex, emotions, friends and growing up. There are things I could mention about the entire online relationship, but again, won't ever forget that stuff. I went to see her maybe once every 2 months. We were in love. Really couldn't get enough of each other. After a long time. From being unemployed to working on the pizza pasta section at Banana, she told me something had to happen or it had to end. It shook me and very soon after she moved to Bournemouth. It was amazing, but I think this period fucked the relationship a little. I think I was just paranoid. I couldn't be myself properly. Not because of Beth but because of Mum and Dad. They just expect people to behave certain ways and I was always worried about annoying them. Moving out was great for us and as I said the first period of living in the Poole flat was amazing. We really were in love and after all that time talking and saying 'I wish I was there right now' we were finally with each other every day, sleeping in the same bed together every night. It was everything I had wanted anyway. Beth even joined in smoking weed with me. We got on ridiculously well. We laughed at the same things, liked doing the same things. It was just great.
The big change was when Charlie left. Not long after I left Banana, Charlie followed, I mean literally a coupled of days after. Beth was fine with me leaving but wasn't expecting Charlie to follow. All of a sudden we were both unemployed with a new flat to pay for. Beth being the only one earning money. I had a great month smoking tonnes of weed, playing games and living off my last pay cheque + holiday money owed to me. I did a trial at another kitchen, but they wanted me to do 65 hours a week and basically run the kitchen. Kinda what I was trying to get away from. I got a job doing door to door sales. Lasted a week. It was utterly shit. Cant even be bothered describing it. Beth worked in Nationwide and thought she could get me an interview. She did. I got a job a Nationwide which is where I still work. Another subject to cover. Anyway, I got a job. Charlie didn't. He got annoying, not washing things up using things that wern't his, just being messy. He ran out of money and couldn't pay his share of the rent. We argued a fair few times and this lead to him actually moving out. All of a sudden it was me and Beth left with a flat we could only just about afford. We actually ended up getting a letter from the agency not long before our tenancy ran out telling us they wanted us to leave. The whole tightness of money, Charlie taking furniture, lots of different things, really took its toll on us. It was hard but we really were still in love and we were there for each other. We found somewhere cheaper and closer to work to move to. The move was stressful, but we were in our new 1 bed flat and we suddenly had a bit of free money to do what we wanted again. I'll admit it pretty much went on weed. This bit was great again for a while. We were alone together and it was amazing. We spent so much time just talking about crap. Sounds dull but it was all I wanted. I think we lasted about a year here. Things changed. Well I guess this is it. It wasn't so much that things changed it was more that I didn't change. I was still the same guy that was sat at James' place smoking weed and playing games. I was a bit smarter and bit more mature. But in reality I was satisfied with who I was (which I think is a huge thing in life), I had an okay job that I didn't mind doing. I intended on going elsewhere eventually. I was living along with the girl that I loved and I was still free to pretty much do whatever I felt like doing. Beth wanted to grow up a bit. Stop sitting around and smoking weed and maybe go out a little bit. She also wanted to progress in work. She just wanted to move on a little bit with life. I don't think she necessarily just wanted to get away from me, she just wanted to move on and if I wasn't going with her she wasn't going to wait around. I just wish she'd given me more of a warning and given me more of a chance. I did ultimately dig my own grave in this, but I still think there was so much more to us that never came to reality. There's one point in time that I'll never be able to shake out of my head. She asked me if I was happy. I answered this question in regards to how my day was going. 'Yeah I'm alright. I guess I'm content.' is pretty much what I said. Things get a bit blurry now. It really hard to remember specifics. The next main memory I have is laying on the mattress before sleeping, because we still hadn't built the bed. Then she just told me that we should split up for a bit. She wanted me to move back to my parents. She wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me anymore and the only way she could really decide is to try it. I cried so much that night. I think I slept on the sofa on the end. I can still remember her climbing on top of me trying to kiss me, telling me that she loved me. But at the the same time she's telling me to leave. It was honestly heartbreaking. It was at that point I really realised where my life was. She was everything.
I didn't really have any friends anymore. I've always remained very close to Joe Hawker and the others, but they had all continued education and were in university at the time. James had moved to Reading to be with his girlfriend (that completely changed him - He had also stopped smoking weed). I was fine with this before because I had Beth, I didn't need anyone else.
My job, that I didn't really care about, was fine because I didn't really care. It wasn't a good job and I didn't particularly enjoy it, but it was the same place as Beth and it meant we could live together. And doing whatever I wanted was great, but that's because what I wanted was to spend my time lounging around with Beth.
If I lost her, I lost everything.

This is where things fucked up for me. - I'm pretty sure it was the first night I was back at my parents, Kristi added me on facebook. - I should also explain Beth did not like Kristi. She had found texts between the two of us with me flirting with her while we were in a relationship. I was told if she ever found anything again she would leave me. I was a dick to send those messages to Kristi in the first place.
I made a fake facebook account to message Kristi - I couldn't have Beth seeing I'd added her as a friend as soon as I'd moved out. I sent her a message saying I'd had a dream about her recently, because I had, and just generally trying to catch up. It had been a long time since we'd spoke. We exchanged numbers again and we were texting a fair amount. A lot of it about how upset I was and how much I missed Beth.
I got a new phone. One of my conversations with Kristi was open on a tab. I deleted Kristi's number, sent her a text telling her I was on my way to Beth's so we could talk things over so don't text me for a bit. Think it even mentioned it may be the last text ever sent to her.
I got to the flat. Beth and I spoke and we talked about how much we missed each other. It was going great. We were laughing with each other a little bit. She asked if she could see my new phone so I nervously handed it over. She saw the tab, tried to open it, but because I'd deleted the conversation and Kristi as a contact it just closed and went back to the menu. It's obvious whatever it was I was trying to hide it. And I openly admitted it was Kristi. That was the end right there. I could honestly cry right now thinking about it. It destroyed me. I completely broke down. After a while I ran out the flat with nothing but my phone. I can still remember looking back down the street behind me hoping she'd follow me out. I was looking behind me for fucking ages. We lived right near Boscombe pier. I ran all the way past Bournemouth and probably a mile past. She finally called me. I was hoping she'd be asking for me to come back but she was just asking what I was doing. I still had some stuff at the flat and she needed to go to bed soon. I begged her over the phone to reconsider. Turned around and ran all the way back. One thing I really remember about this is not having any tobacco. I needed a cigarette so badly the whole time I was out there but had nothing.
When I got back to the flat she wasn't horrible. I remember her even trying to hold my hand but I refused. I couldn't take the whole 'fuck off' yet being so nice at the same time.
I left. She didn't let me go completely though. We carried on talking for a while. We actually saw each other a whole lot, and I have to say that this point we were having the best sex ever. But I was in hell the whole time. I just wanted to move back in and be with her but she was telling me she didn't know what to do and she couldn't trust me. I definitely got pretty shitty over some of this period too. Everything was amazing when we were actually physically together. Then as soon as we were apart it was like she didn't give a fuck about me. I felt like I was going insane and I really was fucking depressed at some points. It came to a point I gave her an ultimatum. She had to decide over the phone there and then. We gave it a shot and tried to fix the relationship, or it ended and we stopped talking to each other. She quite quickly and bluntly told me that it would have to be over then.
I've never felt like that before. That's where it really ended. When I'd left the flat before after the whole phone thing I still had this little bit of hope that I would fix it. The conversation we'd had prior to her finding the message was so positive. This time it was done. It had ended up with me essentially being the one ending it by making her pick.
I struggled for years after breaking up with Beth. Trying to get over her. I still think there's a part of me that isn't over her. I was just so happy with her. I was so comfortable. I felt like I really didn't have any problems. I was set for life.
Friends remind me of somethings. The lack of social life is a big one. But that never really bothered me because we were great together, I didn't care if we weren't going out and seeing other people.
I think I still compare every other girl to her. How they look, how they act, what they find funny, how they interact with me. I'm still sure that if she messaged me tomorrow and asked to try it all again I would do it.
I have to sum this up again. It's another huge part of my life and without me really wanting it to, it made me change my attitude to life and work in a big way.
I had some really low times and I was utterly miserable at some points. It gave me a lot of happy moments too though and I really was utterly in love with her for a long, long time.
Before I move out of this whole subject I have to note the summer after the final official break.
This is actually one of the best times in my life. I was living at my parents and Joe had come back for a break in uni staying at his Mum's which was just up the road from me. We spent a lot of time together including my 21st Birthday. A whole other story. I would often get off the bus at his on the way home from work and stay there late into the evening. We drank a lot, we smoked a fair bit too and we relived everything we used to do together when we were in school together. It really was great and I just had to mention that. Joe quotes it to be the best Summer of his life. I kind of enjoy seeing the look on Roxanne's face when he says that in front of her.

Nationwide.
The job Beth got me was a pretty crap one. I although I was employed by Nationwide I didn't really work for them. I was working for The Mortgage Works. The buy to let side to Nationwide mortgages. When I started I barely knew what a mortgage was and I didn't really give a shit either. Being on the phones you had to learn a lot quickly. People could ask you questions about literally anything and you were meant to know the answer, or know where to get the answer. As usual, I picked up the basics pretty quickly and started to get pretty good at it. I got to a comfortable level where I could easily hit my targets and not have to struggle too much. You do get shit days and that's uncontrollable. You never know who's calling or what shit situation they might be calling about.
After Beth left and the summer with Joe came to an end I had managed to save up enough money to move out alone into a small studio flat. I think I ended up moving in around September/October that year. At this point I was still really trying to move on and get over Beth. This turned out to actually be quite hard with my small wage I had little spare money to spend on social events and was actually alone a lot. When it got to the new year I had decided I was going to make a new years resolution, something I don't usually do. I was going to make an effort at work and trying and make something of myself. I got 2 new suits and I went in January smartly dressed and really knuckled down. I learnt a lot and I was one of the best performers on the team. I'd have little rivalries with other people as to who could take the most calls/perform the best each day. I had to move up though and put in an application for a job in Nationwide Now. Being a Personal Bank Manager where you conduct interviews with people over what is essentially skype and recommend them for certain Nationwide products or manage their accounts. I fucked the interview and I'm glad I did. I would've been shit at that job.
After that I made it clear to my manager I wanted to move out of the phone team and start learning move. I moved to a team called pre underwrite. It's essentially where documents and responses from brokers were validated to be 'acceptable items' or 'unacceptable items'. It was a bit ridiculous sometimes because you weren't really trusted with anything at all. But it was amazing to get off the phones, and in all honesty pre underwrite was fucking easy. I could finish was was required of my in a day but about 1-2pm. Then you have the rest of the day to do what you want really. Not long after the position of underwriter was advertised. The job I wanted. I applied and to my surprise I got it. Although when you look back you can see I was in the 1st, maybe even 2nd batch of underwriters taken in that were only really taken because they needed numbers. Not many people really had the experience or skill to do the job, but got in anyway.
I'll cover this bit briefly and simply as possible. To be an underwriter you complete different training for different things in separate blocks.
I joined the group with everyone else. Proofs were first. Did those. They sucked. Then there was essentially a bit of being told what to do and guided by people. Then get on a do it.
You start underwriting mortgage applicaitons. You have to do so many that will then get checked by more senior underwriters to make sure you do the job right, and if you do well enough, do the right number of underwrites in a certain amount of days without getting to many errors they will give you a mandate to sign off loans up to £500k.
Do to completely unexpected events I had some time off work right at the end of this process.
When I came back everyone had got their mandates, other than Alex Wigmore and Lisa... forgothername. The whole standard of checking had changed while I had been off. Kristina was brought in to take over checking the work.
I spent a further 10 months underwriting having every single thing I did checked and critiqued by Kristina. The normal process took about 2-3 months in total once the underwriting training part started.
I have to give it to her that at the point I got my mandate, I was one of the best underwriters on the entire floor and other people there had had theirs for years. I was furious that there seemed to be this crazy double standard and I got held back for so long. I also suffered in a large deduction from my bonus because I was still in training. But at the same time I was actually kinda proud that I was pretty good at it immediately.
I carried on doing this for about a year and I was pretty content I knew my fucking shit. I was very good at the job I was given to do. The first mandate was a 'Low Risk Mandate'. I got a 'Standard Risk Mandate' within 2 weeks.
There's then a 'High Risk' team above where I worked. They knew their shit way more than I did. I didn't question anything they said. They get to overrule the policy that I had to stick to word for word. What they say goes. I applied to get in. Some how I fucking got in.
I've been in high risk underwriting since September. Shits hard. I can't possibly go through the amount of thing I've learnt. It's a completely different job. There's tonnes more trust in me, but at the same time I have a fuck load more responsibility. And the stuff I'm dealing with is just generally difficult. That's why it comes to us. It took me a few months to get my high risk mandate. And I've recently got the 2nd level of a high risk mandate. Next one is probably about a year away before I consider going for it.
Things are good realistically. But at the same time.. It's fucking mortgages. I don't really give a shit still. I'm proud of myself that I did manage to work up to where I am and I still have the ability and potential to go a whole lot further.

I've taken you, probably me reading this back hopefully in a few years, this far.
It's now 20 past 1. I have to go to work tomorrow.
I still have so much to cover. Verity and Jamie being the reason I was unexpectedly off work. Where I was living after the studio flat. Where I'm living now.
I still need to cover events that happened. Musical items. Things like Tom Clark's wedding, children, break up.
I need to talk about the emotions I've experienced. Talk about how I've learnt to understand other people. How I'm expected to react and behave. How the world is changing around me and there are still so many things that I've learnt and things I'm still learning about.
I will continue this. I'm glad I wrote all of the above.

Cya
Antidote.
;DD

Hello

Hello again. It's been a long time since i've updated again. Unfortunately, i've not really got anything to write about either. I guess i'll just tell you what's different since the last time i've updated.
The biggest change is 6th form. I'm not really doing so.. great at the moment. I'm just getting extremely lazy, and don't put the effort into my work. Well, not enough effort. I just don't have any interest in the subjects i'm doing. I used to enjoy Music and Biology. But i don't do Biology anymore, as i actually wasn't smart enough to do it, and music has become incredibly boring. iMedia has always been boring, but this year it's even worse.
I just don't have the motivation to do well anymore.
I'd rather get a job, start earning money, and start doing things i want to. Like learning to drive a motorbike x). And buy one of course.
At the moment i don't really do anything. Spend most of my time at James' house, on the xbox, or on my laptop. And i don't do anything else. I'm getting bored.
Sorry it's only a short post.
Byebye.
  • Current Music
    Zeds Dead - Massive Attack(paradise city remix)
;DD

Again

I keep finding myself here. In bed, in the early hours of the morning. I'm not tired, although i'm rather.. fatigued? I keep thinking that i should sleep. But i find myself refusing. I don't want to sleep, no idea why, I just don't. So then it leaves me with nothing to do. I look through facebook and other social networks. Get bored. Play around with Fruity Loops for a bit. Get bored. Perhaps play some football manager. But no matter what, nothing is entertaining, and everything seems to be telling me I should go to sleep. But every night i've tried to sleep, I can't. For hours maybe, I will lay in my bed and tell myself to sleep, and think about nothing but sleeping.
Hmm. Just don't know what to do.
Sleep I guess.

Goodnight.
;DD

About time

My god. I was intending on updating ages ago, but as usual just never got round to it. But it's late, i'm still not very tired. So i may as well do it now

The most important thing that happened since last time is that 6th form (College) started. It's much harder than I thought it was going to be D: The Music and iMedia isn't too bad at all, i can handle that. But it's the Biology that's bad. There's just so much to learn. So much to remember, so many notes to take, so many diagrams to draw. And soon enough we're going to start writing essays, and i've got a feeling there are going to be many of them too. Although it is hard work, it's extremely interesting. It's amazing, things that are so tiny, are so complex. There are so many organelles in one cell. Then to think there are zillions, billions, millions, what ever, loads of cells for one person. We've been studying Plants and Water with one teacher, and Cells with another. There are way too many things to learn about just water it's unbelievable. And rather boring. The plant side is more interesting. We've been looking at the phloem, xylem, source, sink, and other things like transpiration, translocation. But learning about cells has been the most interesting so far. Even just studying the membrane for a cell, there is so much to learn. Even though I make the subject sound great. It's just... hard. Maybe too hard for me. I don't know. I intend on sticking at it though and really trying to remember everything, and actually put effort into it.
So far iMedia hasn't been too interesting at all, just studying things like copyright and how to present proposals for contracts. But the next module is on photography which sounds alot more interesting. Even iMedia is harder than i thought it'd be. But it's manageable.
Music is also very interesting. Not as much about actually playing music, more of the industry. And the sound engineering side. Still as I said, interesting.

Moving on from the 6th form subject, I've been ill recently. It wasn't bad at all, only lasted for a week. But i completely lost my voice at one point. And just felt horrible. But that's all clearing up now, and even though i seem to loose my voice a bit every now and then, it's definitely starting to clear up ;D But it's really just brought me down. Ever since the summer holidays I've been going out alot, just doing things rather than sitting indoors. But being ill i've been forced to stay inside. Well I say forced but I really mean told to stay inside. But I miss going out. And it's only been a week. But i'm going out tomorrow. Looking forward to it ;D

Another thing, I've rekindled my love for Kurt Cobain and Nirvana. I'm tempted to read his biography again. Or maybe buy another biography. I really am just fascinated by his life. Even though it is very sad, it's just... amazing.

And the last thing is about someone I met online. Her name is Kristi. And she's just awesome ;D I've been talking to her for about 2 months now. The time has just flown by. But I really like her. Y'know, really really like her ;) But it just seems weird because she lives far away. And i'm young, and I don't have money. So i'm not able to go visit her or anything. So even though I know it's pointless to have an attraction to her I still do. She says she feels the same way back. But it's all just weird. I love talking to her though. Just brings a smile to my face everytime we talk ;D

I lied, that's not that last thing. This is though, I promise ;) I've been trying to sing. I have a bad singing voice, and it's often out of tune. But i've really been trying D: So I decided to be able to hear how bad I actually am, I've been recording myself doing covers. I've only done two Nirvana songs. And it's going ok. It's not good. But it's not as bad as some other people I've heard sing as well. So I'm not too annoyed about it. It can only get better ;D

Anyway, I suppose it's time to go, and i really should try and get some sleep. Even though I know I'm going to lie awake for another hour atleast. So goodnight

;D
  • Current Music
    Nirvana - Pennyroyal Tea
;DD

It's late

It's early in the morning. And i've just finished watching a film. I was about to turn the laptop off. But found winamp was still running. And saw Gorillaz in the playlist. I can't resist some Gorillaz.
The laptop is new by the way. Fucking love it. Got it for my birthday. Which was fun by the way. I had a good actual birthday. And fun partys too.

Not much has changed since the last update. The band is still in a rut atm. I don't know what's happening. One thing that happened is i got in my GCSE results. And unfortunatly. Didn't do that well
I got lots of C's, 1 E in Catering but i don't care about that. D in R.E And 1 B. That was in Biology. Meaning Music was a C. Which i'm dissapointed about. But i'll get over it

More importantly. I've been talking to lexi again :)
She's broken up with Tom. And even though i now feel bad about it. It's great to talk to her again. I'm meeting up with her on Sunday. Just to cheer her up. I doubt anything will even happen between us. But the fact i'm spending time with her is good enough for me. We're having a picnic. Because thats one of the many things that make her happy. :) It's making me happy too.

Another thing i'm going to mention is my music taste. It seems to of changed alot. I'm really into Dubstep. It's a genre of music. Just... really heavy bass line. Fucking awesome. And i'm also really into the Gorillaz now. They're just brilliant. Mixing rap in a bit too. Fucking immense mayteee. I think i'm inlove with the song All Alone - Gorillaz. It really is amazing. Don't even know why. I just love it.

Well I'm glad I've updated. But i don't want to stop typing yet. Because the song isn't over. I guess i'll just keep typing as if I'm talking. And ranting... I'm really looking forward to meet with Lexi. It's sunday. :D Should just be a laugh. I am definitely looking forward to it :)

You know what. I might read through some old entries anyway. So i'm off

Goodnight Everyone.
  • Current Music
    Gorillaz - All Alone
;DD

Bordem.

I've been so bored recently. There's just nothing to do. Well. Nothing fun to do. And everyone else seems to be too busy to talk to me now. I talk to people that I used to talk to all the time. And they will do the standard "hey how're you", and then that'll be it. I haven't had a good long conversation for a while. And Morgan that I used to talk to alot went on a trip. And came back the other day. She said hi. Then went again. And hasn't been online since. Erugh. Someone have a decent conversation with me please D:

Went to see Perfect Alibi the other night. They're were really good. Much better than I actually expected them to be. Just turned out to be a really enjoyable night. That seems to be the only big thing that's happened recently. I suppose it's because I don't have any money to do anything with. I can't wait to start College.

I'll finally be getting some money in. And then i'll just have something to do. Even if it is studying. But hey at least I'll be studying stuff that I enjoy. And then when I'm not studying i'll have some money to do something fun with. :D Ah fun. I miss you.

It used to be the band, that kept me from dying of bordem. But even that seems to of taken a turn for the worse. It's suprisingly Joe thats the biggest dissapointment at the moment. He just seems as if he can't be bothered anymore. We have a gig this sunday. And i texted joe asking when our band practice was going to be because he said he was going to book it. And i got a reply saying. "We're not doing band practice because we have work. Well I do anyway" which is bollocks. He doesn't work everyday of the week. He did the same with the prom. And Weymouth. I wanted to stay over night in weymouth. And it was all planned. Until he suddenly decided two days before we left that he wasn't going to stay. Because he had work. He didn't have work the next day. But guess who did. His girlfriend Lucii. For the prom we were going to play, then he suddenly decided that we wern't going to play, again about a week before, because he said he wanted to "enjoy" it and be the audience for once. Again. I wonder where he got that idea from. Lucii. I can even picture her saying it. "Well, why don't you just not play this time." It's so fucking anoying. And now if the gig is bad on sunday. It'll be because we haven't practiced since the weymouth gig. And i expect it's because the days off he has, he wants to be with Lucii. And he was the one saying that he wanted to get rid of Mils because he didn't have any effort with the band. And no determination. It's just bullshit. It really annoys me that she can be that much of an influence on him.

We have another gig as well, on the 21st of August. I wonder if we'll practice before then. I know that when we do as well joe will be saying "ohh i'm really looking forward to this practice!". Then he'll just end up all annoyed at the end of the night because Mils isn't good enough for him.

Ugh. Yeah, i'm off. Still got nothing to do though.

Byes ;D
  • Current Music
    Pink Floyd - Sorrow
;DD

Birthday

It's Mum's birthday today. Happy birthday to her. Vicky and Ashley are coming over soon I think. Should be a nice evening.

The band had another gig on wednesday. Went well as usualy. Was still rather angry at the end of it. The sound we got on stage was absoloulty terrible. Couldn not hear Tom's guitar and any vocals. I just heard Luke's guitar, the drums, and a little of my bass. Then our set had to be cut short as well because the other bands that night took too long. But the songs we played still went well. We also got plenty of compliments after we came off stage.

Anyway, today was just a quick update, so I'm going again.
Laters people ;)
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